Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Results.



I got the results. Hindsight tells me it was probably foolish to try and jump-start a business, finish a renovation, and raise a three year old boy while cramming non-stop for this thing, but I did it. I came this close to burnout. I took the French national qualifying pastry exam, that which certifies me as a professional pâtissière, a total of about 11 hours of various tests in different test centers that included a 7 hour practical exam in a test center kitchen I had never seen. I had prepped intensively for months with Claire as my guide. Searching for my name in the list of new French pâtissiers for the year 2012, I felt like a kid on a rollercoaster.

I looked at the word by my name: "ADMIS." I had been admitted into the brotherhood of French pastry. I found myself in tears for a second, then picked up the phone and called her.

"I have something to tell you" I said after the beep, trying to keep the tone of my voice neutral. When she called me back a few minutes later, she was already hooting when I picked up the phone. That's the way she is. She blindsides you with sharp reprimands without hesitation to correct improper technique, and screams with joyous abandon when the occasion calls for it. The project she took on in preparing me for this exam was an intense one, and it wasn't just being nice, or a good friend, or anything like that, it was living up to and following through on a plan neither of us realized was going to take on the amplitude it did. There were many mornings when I felt like telling her I just couldn't do it, that my shoulder hurt, that I was losing steam. I never let on how close I was to giving up, nor my innate discomfort at the exactitude of things, smoothing the tops, even layers, straight lines, precision, symmetry and repetition. I just got up early, pushed these feelings aside, and mopped the kitchen floor. In the midst of renovation chaos, there we were incorporating butter, piping things in prescribed shapes and forms, and fiddling with the ovens with stern looks on our faces. She confided that some days she felt discouraged too.

Prior to the exam, with the base techniques down, I duly crammed for the written tests. I then took a few days to relax, like dough, to be ready with a clear mind to allow everything I had learned to come to the top just when I needed it. It had to have a chance to settle.

My main concern on the day of the big "épreuve technique", the actual baking part of the qualification, was whether I was going to be able to get up at such an ungodly hour. Doubts about whether I would be able to execute the actual pastry had gone away when I finished the little notebook we were to carry to the exam, the one with lists of the ingredients and ratios for everything I could possibly be called upon to prepare. A feeling of peace had miraculously settled over me when I had finished writing them out in my block letter print.

A half-hour before I was supposed to get up, I was already in the shower, feeling a little bit like it was opening night, or the day of the big match. I only got scared once, and that was while we were stuck in traffic on the way there. But I just reached down to that still pool of grace I had found while baking with Claire and dwelled there for a while. It was like a calm blue sliding door that shut out the fear. The precision eventually saved me. The goblin that had pierced his burning finger into my soft spot that morning gave up and took off, never to return.
 

I finished the 7 hour exam with 5 minutes to spare, time I took to straighten my work station and wash the last dish. I went to the room where we had displayed our pastry in professional rows. Eclairs, choquettes, tartes, brioche in many shapes and forms, and my beloved charlotte, the entremet I had come to love along the way.

We scrubbed the kitchen like urchins at Gormenghast to give ourselves a sense of closure and each unceremoniously drifted from the test site. The jury had stopped scrutinizing us, and were now hovering over our presentations with their clip-boards. They didn't even say goodbye, they just began to ignore us and we gathered it was time to leave. I swung by for one last look and a kindly janitorial man dressed in white was transferring our pastries, each with a slight thud, into big flat boxes on carts, loading them in by type, all the brioche in one box, the charlottes in another and so on, all mixed. Who knows where it would all go. I kindly asked if I could take a picture and he responded with a smile that photos were strictly forbidden, so I turned to leave.

I didn't even bother turning on the lights in the changing room when I took off my whites. My legs felt like stone weights, I could barely lift my arms, my face was slick with sweat, I had stringy hair and a dry mouth. I went to the ladies room and brought double handfuls of ice cold water to my face, not caring if it splashed on my street clothes. I treaded slowly to the car, where he carted me home, the baby watching me thoughtfully from his seat in the back. "Maman made gateaux" he said. That's right, baby.

When I got the results, I initially planned to take Claire to a big expensive restaurant but then thought why pay the price of a new mixer when we can do it right our own way? We went our favorite plain little cafe, the place we went when we were first planning the project.  I asked the waiter if he might find us a bottle of Champagne. He scrounged one up and the clients stared as he ceremoniously poured the off-menu wine into flutes and placed the bottle into silver bucket of ice on the table. We ordered salads and lived the moment, sun streaming through the window. It was a very nice thing, raising our cold glasses of Champagne that day. We sipped on the wine throughout the meal and congratulated ourselves for coming through this. I couldn't finish my dessert. I looked at Claire, radiant, passionate, and happy. She is an amazing woman who is destined for great things. She has no idea how much it means to me that she stuck with me to see it through.

35 Comments:

Blogger Mills (héron + hibou) said...

Congratulations! What an accomplishment! You described the event so well, I felt like I passed the exam alongside you. Thrilling!

3:36 PM, August 07, 2012  
Blogger unsightly said...

Congratulations, I'm so happy all of your hard work paid off!

3:53 PM, August 07, 2012  
Blogger Anita said...

congratulations ... both to you and to Claire! What a wonderful feeling to know she was beside you all the way.

5:16 PM, August 07, 2012  
Anonymous Wendy said...

Wow,Lucy, no wonder your blog was so quiet, you were so busy being superwoman!!How brave and strong you are to take that project on!
You both must be very proud of yourselves.
It will be nice to hear from you agin and see some photos of your creations, congratulations!

5:38 PM, August 07, 2012  
Blogger SmitoniusAndSonata said...

Such a wonderful achievement. Congratulations !

5:58 PM, August 07, 2012  
Anonymous katy said...

Congratulations!! Reading this I was reminded very much of my experience writing my dissertation (minus the fun part of getting to bake and eat all those beautiful pastries) and look forward to the moment when I too will be able to celebrate my achievement. It must be a lovely feeling! Cheers and more champagne to you!

6:10 PM, August 07, 2012  
Blogger racheld said...

I have no words for this great thing in your life.

I didn't know you were DOING it, but I certainly knew you COULD.

rachel

7:54 PM, August 07, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, that's worthy of a comment from a lurker - Congratulations! Now all know you're as good at baking as you are at writing!

What a treat of an entry - naomi

10:55 PM, August 07, 2012  
Anonymous Alison said...

Congratulations to you!

3:06 AM, August 08, 2012  
Anonymous Lori @ In My Kitchen, In My Life said...

Oh, Lucy, I am so pleased for you. The successful completion is all the sweeter because of the exactitude required, I am sure.

4:25 AM, August 08, 2012  
OpenID dancingantelope.com said...

I stumbled across your blog about a year ago and have fully enjoyed reading your entries as the months passes. CONGRATULATIONS!!! What a magnificent accomplishment!

4:44 AM, August 08, 2012  
Blogger MiniLover said...

Bravo!!! You rock!! Thanks for letting us share your journey.

Sophia

5:00 AM, August 08, 2012  
Blogger MiniLover said...

Bravo!!! Thanks for sharing the journey with us.

5:04 AM, August 08, 2012  
Blogger Colleen said...

Wow! Congraulations! Thanks for sharing a taste of the incredible experience.

5:15 AM, August 08, 2012  
Blogger Susie Bright said...

This is completely thrilling! I only know you through you blog and I just burst into tears. You have inspired so many of us!

5:35 AM, August 08, 2012  
Blogger Christine said...

A thrilling and moving tribute, Lucy. To your friend and teacher, Claire, and to you - for sticking with it, learning well, and finishing triumphant. Well done!

6:25 AM, August 08, 2012  
Anonymous Judith Klinger said...

Auguri! Complimenti! Brava!!! No one could possibly know what went into earning this distinction..but you gave us a little glimmer of understanding.
Here's to those moments when your hair is matted, your tongue is dry and you are fully, completely alive.
Congratulations.

12:00 PM, August 08, 2012  
Anonymous janie said...

Brava! What an amazing accomplishment. I can't even imagine how hard you have worked to accomplish this. I long to come over and take a class from you!

5:41 PM, August 08, 2012  
Anonymous Lauren said...

WOW, WOW, WOW, congratulations. You did have too many things on your plate (hehe) but you did it!!!! What an achievement.

You are living my dream. I'll never achieve it, but I am so happy you have - for yourself and all us "little" cooks in this world!!!!

6:24 PM, August 08, 2012  
Anonymous Verity said...

What a beautiful account of an achievement for which you should rightfully be proud. Congratulations to you for your persistence and your talent, to Claire for her patience and wise guidance, and to all those around you for all the support (and testing!).

9:05 AM, August 09, 2012  
Blogger Wendy said...

Man, that sounds like an ordeal and a half! You're celebration sounds perfect. Congratulations!

4:15 PM, August 09, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been lurking on your blog for years, silently sharing your beautiful stories. I literally cheered for you while reading this post. You rock, Lucy!

3:46 AM, August 10, 2012  
Blogger Barbara said...

Aha! So that's where you've been. I was about to sign off on your blog when I read your wonderful description about your pastry exploits. Congratulations! And Bonne Continuation!

12:27 PM, August 10, 2012  
Blogger Maddie Vegas said...

Congratulation Lucy. Very well deserved. I've enjoyed catching up on your culinary exploits since I happened across your wonderful recipe for Mirabelle jam two years ago. I get my Mirabelles for free as my local council (strangely) use the trees for municipal planting. An almost criminal waste of such a divine fruit.

12:26 AM, August 12, 2012  
Blogger Mari @ Once Upon a Plate said...

Congratulations Lucy ~ You astound me with your hard work and amazing talent; you are such an inspiration to all. BRAVA!

6:37 AM, August 17, 2012  
Blogger Mimi Mj Strategic Communications said...

Congratulations! I am so happy for you and your post is exquisite. You have always been able to take your readers along with you, Lucy.

Your victory means something to me, too. It's an encouragement.

Mimi

2:25 PM, August 17, 2012  
Anonymous Janelle said...

Congratulations! Way to go! So happy for you that more good things are happening for you. That's an incredible accomplishment

8:03 PM, August 18, 2012  
Blogger L Vanel said...

Thanks ever so much, friends.

12:59 PM, August 21, 2012  
Blogger Niamh said...

Congratulations on your magnificent achievement, Lucy. I hope you've planned a well-deserved break soon, you certainly deserve it!

10:25 PM, August 22, 2012  
Blogger Limner said...

Congratulations. :)

9:59 AM, August 24, 2012  
Anonymous carol said...

congratulations!! i always love popping in to read what creative project & artful edible scrumptious food you have prepared, and what an absolute treat to read this post... so very happy for you, truly living your life with passion... too,i love how you & claire kept it simple to celebrate: your favorite cafe & bubbly = perfecto!! carol

9:26 PM, August 26, 2012  
Blogger katiez said...

Congratulations - an amazing accomplishment (along with everything else!)

9:36 AM, August 27, 2012  
Anonymous Melissa said...

WAOOOOW. This is, you are, an inspiration. Another comment from a lurker -Melissa

5:07 PM, August 29, 2012  
Anonymous Ann Mah said...

Lucy! I am so thrilled for you! Congratulations don't seem enough to offer. "Maman made gateaux." I love it!

I am so happy to see your skills and business grow and I can't wait to follow your adventures. They will be very sweet, I am sure.

6:54 PM, August 29, 2012  
Anonymous Sharmila said...

Congratulations! Such a long exam. Sounds like our design exams back in architecture school, which lasted 8 hours, sometimes over 2 or 3 days.
A tremendous and wonderful achievement!

1:34 AM, October 13, 2012  

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